dusty blog...cough, cough...

yes, this blog is dusty...my daughter's favorite book right now is odd duck, by cecil castellucci.  i read it almost daily.  there's a page where the heroine, theodora (the odd duck?...no spoilers here, you gotta get the book), goes to the library and checks out books that "haven't been checked out in years," as max the librarian says as he's coughing and dusting them off.  that's a little bit how i feel about this blog right now.  i took i hiatus, but i didn't really announce it...and i'm still not sure if i'm back.  i'm blogging for brands now, so that seems to take up a lot of my time.  also, i've been really struggling about how much should i be blogging about my daughter on the internet?

this whole blog started out personal...our wedding...then beatrice...when she was a baby, it didn't bother me so much, but now that she's getting older, becoming a girl, i hesitate. for some reason posting pictures on instagram and twitter doesn't seem to bother me so much, but the act of sitting down and posting photos and writing about beatrice just doesn't seem to sit right with me.  but some of my favorite bloggers blog about their families and children all the time...in fact, that's what i love about them so much...i feel connection, i can see the authenticity...i love the glimpse into their family...it's like taking a walk at night, i love it when houses are all aglow and i can see inside, i love to crane my neck to see if i can get a glimpse of what is going on inside my neighbor's house.

i've been writing and editing a lot lately too for my job, so sometimes after sitting at the computer all day long, the last thing i want to do is sit down and the computer and write some more.  we're trying to raise beatrice, at least in the early years, without screens, and that includes this one i'm staring at...so it's also not something i feel comfortable doing with her around.

i don't know what the answer is, but i know i love the amazing people i have met through blogging and i still have great relationships with them.  some of their blogs are personal, some have transformed into something much bigger.  i'm not sure how this blog will transform or what the next steps will be, but i'm putting myself back out in the universe and seeing what will return.

i'd love to hear your thoughts on blogging about your kids...

{photo credit: emily ulmer}

what does a crunchy mama mean?

i'll post a holiday round up post soon...beatrice *loved* her kitchen...it was a real hit!  best $85 i've spent in a while...

lately i've been obsessing over babywearing... i began wearing beatrice very early on and i have a few different carriers, but lately i've been wanting more.  i've been spending time on various babywearing boards and have realized that it's a vast and diverse community.  and it's a community...there are so many women {and some men} out there, but it's still not very mainstream.  unfortunately, the norm is still those very uncomfortable baby bjorns...

and with every community, there is definitely diversity...but many babywearing mamas fall into the crunchy mama realm: natural birth, cloth diapering, babywearing, AP, non-vaxing, co-sleeping, eating organic, respecting the child, gentle parenting, etc.  i consider myself very crunchy, i definitely do all of the above, except the non-vaxing {my decision to vax is another, long post...}.  i'm pretty on the hippie side and i also fall on the liberal side.  my experience of "hippie" coming from the san francisco bay area {haight ashbury, berkeley, etc} has been that hippie or crunchy equals liberal.  well not so much in the mama-hood world...

i'm finding that many of the mamas on the boards are pretty conservative socially and quite religious.  there is definitely a faction of mormon mamas who are very crunchy.  and i have to admit: this is a bit unsettling for me sometimes...it definitely puts me on guard a little bit when i'm posting or on the forums.  i find myself using the partner word but avoiding the she pronoun for fear of being judged.

however, i know that by withholding information and assuming that i will be judged, that i'm the one doing the judging...i'm the one judging them and assuming that their views will not be accepting of me.  what would that say to my daughter?  don't be yourself, for fear of being judged?  that's certainly not a message i want to send her.  so in order to practice my philosophy of leading by example, i'm working on acceptance on my part...

{photo of me wearing bea at an outfest fundraising event}

scary santa...

this year, patty really wanted to get a picture of beatrice with santa claus.  saturday at the farmers market, a preschool that is on our list of favorites called cottage enrichment, was doing a fundraiser by taking santa pictures.  win-win!  we get to donate to a great preschool, support our community and avoid the mall!  hooray....well, not so much.  beatrice was not having it.  since we hang out at the farmers market, we let her watch a few other kids get their picture taken, so she could see what it was all about...she just watched, wide-eyed as kids eagerly bounded up to santa to tell him their wishes.  there was a set of sisters, maybe five and three, and the three year old was a little scared.  her big sister held her hand and the photographer and her parents made her laugh.  crisis averted...no tears...

when it was our turn, we went up to santa and beatrice held on to me for dear life, so we decided to sit with her to see if she was ok with it.  before we even sat down, the photographers played with her for a little bit and got a few smiles out of her...so we thought let's try it!  well, sure enough, she started crying...lots of folks were trying to make her smile, including us {hence the silly, happy faces we are making...}.  but in the end, it was just too much.

usually, beatrice isn't afraid of anything.  in fact, she really doesn't have "stranger danger," and it almost concerns me, as i would like for her to have a healthy weariness of strangers.  she's also been in the presence of yo gabba gabba characters twice and it didn't faze her at all...so we were a little surprised that santa was what scared her...

and although this is one of those holiday traditions we hope our kids enjoy, i want to respect beatrice and not force things on her.  she's her own person and i respect her cues.  did i cross the line with the santa pictures?  did i ignore her cues and disrespect her by trying to get the picture for us and the grandparents?  maybe, yes...

patty has been taking beatrice to a RIE playgroup, and while i don't subscribe to every tenant of that philosophy, i love their emphasis on respecting the child and having patience with them and respecting their learning path. so while we got the picture, maybe this isn't one of my shining parenting moments...and that's ok. live and learn...i know i'm bound to make many mistakes...

but this has definitely got me thinking about the whole notion of santa.  i feel very strongly about not lying to beatrice, but i also really want her to cultivate a sense of wonder, imagination and magic.  and these holiday traditions can do that...obviously, beatrice is too young now to understand the magic of santa... but stories like santa and other fairy tales allow for that.  but if santa is not something she buys into, i want to respect that and allow her to find magic in her own way.

so...will our family celebrate santa?  we'll see, only time will tell...but, honestly, i would really love to avoid the dark side that santa inspires: the consumerism, the frantic feelings and the "gimme" attitude...in fact, usually over the holidays i tell family and friends to donate to my favorite charity rather than buying me a gift...and every year, we usually donate toys to children's hospital and try to give back in other ways, like making lunches for the homeless on christmas day.  does it have to be either/or?  no, i think we can have fun with santa but also cultivate a sense of helping and giving back, too...

maybe we'll create our own holiday family tradition that is fun and magical and inspires beatrice to donate her time to others and be grateful for what she has...something involving fairies?!

steady as she grows {one year}...a little late!

so this post is about a week late...beatrice turned one year on sept thirteenth...we had a picnic birthday party for her in the park at the silver lake rec center...lots of her little friends came and my aunt, who is a children's librarian read stories & lead us all in rhymes and songs.  we made cute bee puppets as party favors and i made her a bee birthday crown...it was a really sweet day!

beatrice is really coming into her own...she is walking, babbling and developing her own preferences. she's picked up a few signs: milk, dog, more and all done. she definitely has a sweet tooth like her mama...those crumbs you see on one of the pictures are from the banana muffin "cupcakes" i made for her party.  she still hasn't had any sugar other than fruit and molasses {iron rich!}...so those muffins were sweetened with molasses, applesauce and bananas, all of which she loves.  fruit is definitely her favorite...i'm working on making sure she gets the vitamins she needs from her food and making lots of things like small balls out of sweet potatoes with veggies and other goodies inside.  she loves to hold them and eat them herself.  she doesn't like me feeding her, but isn't quite able to feed herself with a spoon or fork, so the little balls she can hold work great.  {i'll post some recipes soon.}

she is fast...she loves running about and exploring!  she's also getting more cuddly and likes to sit in our laps for a book.  but not for long, she's off and running after a few pages usually!  she loves music and has started dancing!  she also loves going to drum and music circles...she loves shoes {yeah, like mother like daughter} and often insists on putting her shoes on when she's playing at home.  her laugh is contagious and she is quick to smile, flashing her two teeth on top and two teeth on the bottom.  she's very social and at play groups rarely looks for mama...she is off and exploring and socializing!

now...the big reason for the delay in posting:  i went back to work.  i while back, i posted about staying home with beatrice and my struggle with that.  again, i chose to stay home with beatrice, and to me feminism is all about choice.  unfortunately, going back to work wasn't entirely by choice...it was definitely out of financial necessity.  now, here's to say there aren't many positives to going back to work.  my main concern was beatrice, obviously.  since we try to adhere to the attachment parenting {ap}philosophy, i really thought it was important that her main caregiver was one of her parents.  i know that ap is possible with a working parent, but i felt very strongly about having a parent with her at least until she goes to pre-school.  so we decided to swap: i'm going back to work and patty is staying at home with beatrice.

this was a huge struggle for me.  i mean, i *live* for being a mom.  i love staying home with her, taking her to play dates, cooking for  her, washing her diapers, all of it.  so the thought of going back to work and leaving her for a significant part of the day was heart wrenching.  on top of it, i'm still breastfeeding. obviously, since she's one, it's not her main source of nutrition, but she loves it...and i do, too.  so i'm working out a schedule where i can work from home a few days a week, and on the days i go to the office, patty brings bea out during the day so we can have a mid-day nursing session.  thankfully where a work is a beautiful ranch in the santa monica mountains {even though it's a long drive}, it's a nice place for beatrice to play and frolic among the wildlife...

here's the one thing that made this decision easier: patty wanted to stay home with beatrice and have a chance to bond with her.  only good things can come from that!  she can go to all the parenting classes that i got to go to, she can meet beatrice's play mates, she can learn to wear beatrice on her back and take her on walks, she can bond with beatrice and she can see what being a stay-at-home mom is all about.  a friend said to me: "you are demonstrating to beatrice that your relationship is a true partnership and cooperative family."  i love that idea that because we are both primary care-givers, beatrice will understand the idea of cooperation and partnership.

so...it's still hard...only been a week...and there are definitely going to be hiccups!  but just these few days have taught me to focus on the positive and let go and let things happen the way they are meant to happen...beatrice will be fine...she'll be better than fine, in fact, because she is loved.  we are providing her with consistent and loving care and maximizing the her bond with both her parents.

if it's ok for sesame street, it's ok for any street...

i came across this in another post about a woman who was ousted from a woman's gym to "spare the children." so frustrating...if anyone should see mamas feeding their babies, it's other children...

how awesome is sesame street? 

oh the people you'll meet...

this week is world breastfeeding week....so why do i have a picture of beatrice and patty with yo gabba gabba you might ask?  well, rather than post about the benefits of breastfeeding and how much it has bonded me with beatrice, i'm going to take a lighter approach...since there are numerous beautiful posts about breastfeeding {i'll share some links at the end}, i thought i'd relay my favorite funny breastfeeding story...

a few months back, we volunteered at the pablove valentines day event for kids.  this organization is near and dear to our hearts, so we really wanted to participate.  since beatrice was only five months old, i wore her in my moby wrap and was able to work the silent auction.  at the time, i hadn't quite mastered feeding her while carrying her, so when i needed to breastfeed, i would just pull up a chair or sit on the floor, but it wasn't really comfortable.  our friend jeff, the president and founder of pablove said: "this is a kid's event!  we should have a breastfeeding area for mamas...next time, we'll set up an area with comfy couches...but in the meantime, would you like to sit in the dressing room on the couch?"  he wasn't trying to "hide" a nursing mother...he was just trying to make me more comfortable...

so back to the dressing room i went...and guess who was getting dressed?!? the characters from yo gabba gabba! now, beatrice doesn't even watch tv, but patty & i are huge fans {well, especially patty!}...when we took care of our friend jorjee's daughter, maude, she really got us hooked!  so, when beatrice does finally watch some tv, i'm sure it will be yo gabba gabba!

now i'm not going to tell you what went on in that dressing room, as i'm sure that would violate some trade secrets!  let's just say it was fun, fun, fun!  but the point i'm really trying to make here is...breastfeeding can take you places, open doors, provide a great topic of conversation, etc...

one more fun reason to breastfeed your baby:  you never know where it will take you!

here are some great links and organizations that promote breastfeeding:

• la leche league is a great resource for breastfeeding moms...look up a local chapter for great support meetings!
• live in the los angeles area?  the pump station has great support groups and classes! the support classes were a lifesaver for me.  they really helped us get our breastfeeding off to a great start.
• great online community of breastfeeding mamas, check out the leaky boob and like them on facebook.
• best for babes provides valuable resources and studies about breastfeeding benefits for mama and baby.
• unfortunately mothering magazine is no more, but their website and forums are a great place for information and support.

do you have a breastfeeding story or resource to share?

{photo by jennifer hamilton}

music mondays {sia sings hole}

ok...so this is a terrible video and the guy singing along is kind of funny, but i had to post a video from the LA premiere of our movie, hit so hard.  after the screening, some amazing & talented friends performed with patty...this is a video of sia covering miss world!  patty & eric are playing with her...linda perry also covered violet!

it was a really fun night and i managed to go, wearing a sleeping beatrice with noise reduction headphones!  i stressed out for weeks about whether i should go or not...and honestly didn't decide for sure that i was going until 15 minutes before the event...beatrice never took the bottle, so i haven't really been away from her for very long.  which, honestly has really not been a problem.  i'm perfectly happy staying at home with her!  we have lots of fun outings during the day, so we're both pretty tired at night.  so i never felt like i was "missing out" on anything...until this event.  since it was the LA premiere of the movie, i really wanted to try to attend...hometown screening an all!  and we also announced that the film was picked up for distribution...and on top of all that, the amazing performance.  so i really felt like i'd like to attend.  

i was really concerned that i was "being a bad mom" by keeping beatrice out so late...i posted on a few of my favorite attachment parenting mom groups and a few of them suggested to just bring her...wear her so i can nurse her to sleep...i also thought about having her sleep in the car with a sitter so i could just run out and nurse her if she woke up, but honestly that seemed crazy to me...i figured bea would much rather just be with me, nursing or asleep in the ergo...

but really it couldn't have worked out better.  she ended up napping from 6-8pm, we left for the movie around 8:30pm and then hung out in patty's dressing room with toys...a few friends who also have kids were there visiting with us.  then she fell asleep in the ergo {while i was nursing her} at about 9:30pm...i then put on her headphones and watched the performance from the side stage backstage.  usually it's not as loud backstage as the speakers are facing the crowd.  she slept through the whole thing!  didn't even flinch...

this was a pretty big event, it takes *a lot* to get me out, so i don't think we'll try it again anytime soon...um, let's just say never...but i'm glad i went...and i guess when she's older i can tell her that she was there!  

my sweet girl...

beatrice turns 9 months today. i know it's music mondays, but it's also the 13th, and that's bea's birthday...

i cannot believe she is 9 months. she's been out in the world now as long as she was in my belly. she has such curiosity, wonder and awe. and, i am in awe of her. everything is new and wonderful and she goes for it with gusto. there is no holding back with beatrice. crawling like a wildfire down the hallway, nothing can stop her. she's pulling herself up to standing and balancing more and more everyday. that first step is probably closer than i'd like to admit. after a slow start on solids, she's sampling everything that is presented to her. she loves avocados, broccoli, zucchini muffins {homemade by me with no sugar, just a little molasses and homemade applesauce}, rice and beans, potatoes, lentils, swiss chard, peaches...the list goes on...

she's still breastfeeding like a champ, and we are still baby-wearing, co-sleeping and cloth diapering. staying at home with her has been the most amazing experience of my life. i am so grateful that my partner has been able to help make this happen. we've made some adjustments...but the material things don't matter, as long as we can keep her healthy, fed, and with a roof over her head, we are doing ok today.

i had no idea motherhood would be so amazing and i savor each minute of each day. thank you, beatrice for the opportunity to be your mama.

screens are everywhere...

i've been trying to keep beatrice from seeing screens, any screens. so that means no tv, computer or iphone. and that means since i'm with beatrice most of my day, no tv, computer or iphone for me. not so easy. giving up tv was pretty easy, the only tv i've watched since beatrice was born was "mildred pierce." {omg so good...} but the computer and iphone have been much more difficult.

there are several reasons i'm trying to shield beatrice from media. the american academy of pediatrics recommends no tv before the age of 2, and no more than 2 hours of daily media exposure for ages 2 and older. exposure to television in children has been linked to sleep, attention and aggressive behavior problems, and externalizing of problem behaviors. the problem seems to be with interaction. when a child is in front of a television, they are not interacting with their parents. additionally, tv can impair the speech development of young children. under age 2, talking, singing, reading, listening to music or playing are far more important to a child's development.

so i've been really trying to avoid screens and stay engaged and interactive with beatrice. it's tough sometimes. honestly, there are days i just want to check out and read twitter all day. but if i'm going to make huge life changes in order to stay home longer with beatrice, i'd like to stay present and involved.

it's amazing how many screens are in our daily lives. at home, easy enough, we have 1 tv and 1 computer--i just switch them off. but out in the world, screens are everywhere. tv's on the bus, people looking at their laptops in the airport, etc. it's wild if you really stop to think about it, our world is dominated by screens!

the other concern for me is the cell phones and radiation. the environmental working group published a report about cell phone radiation, citing recent studies find significantly higher risks of brain and salivary gland cancers. it's tempting to use the iphone as a baby tool, there are so many applications that could be helpful....i've also tried to avoid using the phone when i'm carrying beatrice. it's not worth the risk as far as i'm concerned.

although it's early, i really love the idea of a school with no media, such as a waldorf school. i already have a lot of waldorf toys for beatrice, as i love how simple and imaginative they are. most are handmade with natural materials, such as felt and wood. so i spend my days playing with beautiful, simple toys with beatrice, going for walks in the park, attending mama & me yoga, meeting up with other mamas for playdates and wearing her while i do things around the house.

which all means i've been in a bit of a media black hole myself. after beatrice goes to sleep, i try to go online, catch up with emails, blog {ha!}, and see what's going on in the world. but honestly, 9 times out of 10, i fall asleep with beatrice and never get on the computer! so a blogging mama, not so much...

i want to spend these formative years with beatrice and encourage in her...a wild imagination, a love of nature, a spirit of gratitude, a healthy curiosity, a zest for learning and a love of life. so if limiting her exposure to media and therefore my own, will help me achieve that, then so be it...

{photo credit: waldorf rotating pictures (waldorf tv?!) from waldorf toys}

what to wear...the baby!

since beatrice was about 2 weeks old, i've been wearing her...it has been one of the most amazing experiences of motherhood...i wear her when i do the laundry, shop, go for a walk, etc. it allows me to have freedom to get things done around the house while being close to her. everyday, i put beatrice in a sling and go for a walk. it's a win-win, i get exercise to work off the pregnancy weight and bea gets a nap. in fact, that's most often how beatrice naps, when she's in the carrier. here's a round-up of my baby-wearing gear:

{the moby}

my aunt gave me a moby wrap for a shower gift and i have to admit, i was a bit intimidated. it's basically a long piece of stretchy fabric. luckily, there are sling clinics at the pump station, which is a nearby baby store. once i went to a clinic to learn how to wrap it, i never looked back...it was amazing! the first time i put bea in it, she fell right to sleep. for the moby and any of the wraps, if you don't have a store nearby to help you use it, there are lots of tutorials on you tube. so don't be intimidated! it's so worth it...

i would just wrap it on myself in the morning, then take bea in and out all day. that way, if we drove somewhere, i didn't have to lug the carseat around when we ran errands! brilliant!

{woven wrap from lovey duds on etsy}

{woven wrap from lil peeper keepers on etsy}

woven wraps are similar to the moby except they have no stretch. they are still essentially a long piece of fabric to wrap your baby on your body. when beatrice got to about 16 pounds, someone at a babywearing clinic recommended i try a woven wrap as there is a little more support for a heavier baby. i love the woven wraps, very simple to put on, but i can't just put in on and wear it all day, taking the baby in and out. i have to wrap beatrice into the wrap. so, i don't use these wraps as often. they are beautiful, so i've mainly used them for "special" occasions. i purchased the black one for the new york premiere of our movie and it was great! i got tons of compliments on it, and beatrice slept like a dream. unfortunately, i didn't get any photos of me wearing it! oh well, next time there's a fancy premiere...

they are still relatively simple to use and again, thank god for you tube tutorials...

{the ergo}

this is my everyday, go-to carrier now that beatrice is a little heavier. it's great because it's simple to put on and there are still lots of options. i primarily wear beatrice on the front or on the back with this carrier, although you can wear baby on your hip and other positions. i love to put beatrice on my back to do things around the house. i can put her on my back and vacuum, do the laundry, clean out the kitchen cupboards {!}...anything, really, and beatrice will sleep soundly!

this carrier was great to travel with, as well. i could just pop it off and on and easily get her in and out when going through airport security, for example. i took it with me to austin when we went to sxsw. this is also the carrier that patty uses when she carries beatrice. super easy, but not the most fashionable...that's why i like to have a few different options.

if you are new to babywearing, definitely give it a go!