yes, this blog is dusty...my daughter's favorite book right now is odd duck, by cecil castellucci. i read it almost daily. there's a page where the heroine, theodora (the odd duck?...no spoilers here, you gotta get the book), goes to the library and checks out books that "haven't been checked out in years," as max the librarian says as he's coughing and dusting them off. that's a little bit how i feel about this blog right now. i took i hiatus, but i didn't really announce it...and i'm still not sure if i'm back. i'm blogging for brands now, so that seems to take up a lot of my time. also, i've been really struggling about how much should i be blogging about my daughter on the internet?
this whole blog started out personal...our wedding...then beatrice...when she was a baby, it didn't bother me so much, but now that she's getting older, becoming a girl, i hesitate. for some reason posting pictures on instagram and twitter doesn't seem to bother me so much, but the act of sitting down and posting photos and writing about beatrice just doesn't seem to sit right with me. but some of my favorite bloggers blog about their families and children all the time...in fact, that's what i love about them so much...i feel connection, i can see the authenticity...i love the glimpse into their family...it's like taking a walk at night, i love it when houses are all aglow and i can see inside, i love to crane my neck to see if i can get a glimpse of what is going on inside my neighbor's house.
i've been writing and editing a lot lately too for my job, so sometimes after sitting at the computer all day long, the last thing i want to do is sit down and the computer and write some more. we're trying to raise beatrice, at least in the early years, without screens, and that includes this one i'm staring at...so it's also not something i feel comfortable doing with her around.
i don't know what the answer is, but i know i love the amazing people i have met through blogging and i still have great relationships with them. some of their blogs are personal, some have transformed into something much bigger. i'm not sure how this blog will transform or what the next steps will be, but i'm putting myself back out in the universe and seeing what will return.
i'd love to hear your thoughts on blogging about your kids...
while i appreciate the attention that gratitude is getting on this day of the year, i can't stop to think that being grateful should be a full time endeavor. we went to the waldorf school elves' faire last weekend and a cute elf came up to us at our table while we were eating lunch and presented us with a basket. she said: "choose a fortune." bea reached her little hand in, still sticky from vegan beans and rice, and pulled out a tiny scroll with a tiny ribbon around it. i helped her carefully unroll it. in lovely calligraphy it read: gratitude is riches. complaint is poverty.
our life is so rich. we have food, clothing & shelter, we have family, we have friends and we have lots of love. while our lives aren't perfect and we face challenges everyday {like disheartening phone calls trying to get health insurance and being told "yes, if you were married you would pay less each month."}, but above all we are so amazingly blessed. everyday i wake up, i try to remember that and at the very least make a mental list of all the things i'm grateful for. everyday.
this year, patty really wanted to get a picture of beatrice with santa claus. saturday at the farmers market, a preschool that is on our list of favorites called cottage enrichment, was doing a fundraiser by taking santa pictures. win-win! we get to donate to a great preschool, support our community and avoid the mall! hooray....well, not so much. beatrice was not having it. since we hang out at the farmers market, we let her watch a few other kids get their picture taken, so she could see what it was all about...she just watched, wide-eyed as kids eagerly bounded up to santa to tell him their wishes. there was a set of sisters, maybe five and three, and the three year old was a little scared. her big sister held her hand and the photographer and her parents made her laugh. crisis averted...no tears...
when it was our turn, we went up to santa and beatrice held on to me for dear life, so we decided to sit with her to see if she was ok with it. before we even sat down, the photographers played with her for a little bit and got a few smiles out of her...so we thought let's try it! well, sure enough, she started crying...lots of folks were trying to make her smile, including us {hence the silly, happy faces we are making...}. but in the end, it was just too much.
usually, beatrice isn't afraid of anything. in fact, she really doesn't have "stranger danger," and it almost concerns me, as i would like for her to have a healthy weariness of strangers. she's also been in the presence of yo gabba gabba characters twice and it didn't faze her at all...so we were a little surprised that santa was what scared her...
and although this is one of those holiday traditions we hope our kids enjoy, i want to respect beatrice and not force things on her. she's her own person and i respect her cues. did i cross the line with the santa pictures? did i ignore her cues and disrespect her by trying to get the picture for us and the grandparents? maybe, yes...
patty has been taking beatrice to a RIE playgroup, and while i don't subscribe to every tenant of that philosophy, i love their emphasis on respecting the child and having patience with them and respecting their learning path. so while we got the picture, maybe this isn't one of my shining parenting moments...and that's ok. live and learn...i know i'm bound to make many mistakes...
but this has definitely got me thinking about the whole notion of santa. i feel very strongly about not lying to beatrice, but i also really want her to cultivate a sense of wonder, imagination and magic. and these holiday traditions can do that...obviously, beatrice is too young now to understand the magic of santa... but stories like santa and other fairy tales allow for that. but if santa is not something she buys into, i want to respect that and allow her to find magic in her own way.
so...will our family celebrate santa? we'll see, only time will tell...but, honestly, i would really love to avoid the dark side that santa inspires: the consumerism, the frantic feelings and the "gimme" attitude...in fact, usually over the holidays i tell family and friends to donate to my favorite charity rather than buying me a gift...and every year, we usually donate toys to children's hospital and try to give back in other ways, like making lunches for the homeless on christmas day. does it have to be either/or? no, i think we can have fun with santa but also cultivate a sense of helping and giving back, too...
maybe we'll create our own holiday family tradition that is fun and magical and inspires beatrice to donate her time to others and be grateful for what she has...something involving fairies?!
a good friend of patty's lost her battle with breast cancer this weekend. she was only 31. and while i didn't know diane very well, this loss seems especially profound...diane was such a sweet and caring soul. i always looked forward to her posts on facebook, as inevitably there were pictures of her in all her vintage fashion glory. she ran a magazine about vintage fashion called zelda and also threw fabulous vintage parties called wit's end.
we saw her last in march, when we were in new york for the hit so hard premiere. she was in amazing spirits and health, and one would never know she was sick...i honestly thought she was in remission and had it "beat." i'm so grateful we made time to see her while we were in new york as she was a good friend to patty...
my heart goes out to her boyfriend, friends and family...i especially can't imagine what her mother is going through now...experiencing the loss of one's child, whether six or thirty-one...i don't even have the words...
with all the breast cancer awareness and charities, it just seems simply mind boggling that we lose such young and vivacious souls to this disease...
so please send love & light diane's way and cherish your loved ones...
beatrice turns 9 months today. i know it's music mondays, but it's also the 13th, and that's bea's birthday...
i cannot believe she is 9 months. she's been out in the world now as long as she was in my belly. she has such curiosity, wonder and awe. and, i am in awe of her. everything is new and wonderful and she goes for it with gusto. there is no holding back with beatrice. crawling like a wildfire down the hallway, nothing can stop her. she's pulling herself up to standing and balancing more and more everyday. that first step is probably closer than i'd like to admit. after a slow start on solids, she's sampling everything that is presented to her. she loves avocados, broccoli, zucchini muffins {homemade by me with no sugar, just a little molasses and homemade applesauce}, rice and beans, potatoes, lentils, swiss chard, peaches...the list goes on...
she's still breastfeeding like a champ, and we are still baby-wearing, co-sleeping and cloth diapering. staying at home with her has been the most amazing experience of my life. i am so grateful that my partner has been able to help make this happen. we've made some adjustments...but the material things don't matter, as long as we can keep her healthy, fed, and with a roof over her head, we are doing ok today.
i had no idea motherhood would be so amazing and i savor each minute of each day. thank you, beatrice for the opportunity to be your mama.
worry is interest on a debt you may never have to pay...
worry is meditation on a bad outcome...
being a new mom and not working has created a whole new level of worry for me. will we have enough money to cover the bills? is beatrice getting everything she needs? what if the car breaks down? what if, what if, what if...
people have said all the above sayings about "worry" to me before, but today someone said to me worry is meditation on a bad outcome, right before i was about to go to yoga. to meditate...and it really made perfect sense...i spend time meditating not necessarily to control the outcome, i know i can't do that, but to let go of worry and to invite love & light into our lives. so why do i go home and sit up at night worrying, meditating on a bad outcome? of course worry will creep into my thoughts now and again, but i have tools to keep it at bay--prayer, meditation, and the knowledge that the universe will take care of us. i just have to remember to use them.
it's patty's birthday this weekend, so we're having a potluck brunch at the house. it will be the first "event" we're having at the house since beatrice was born...
so have a wonderful, safe, happy weekend and don't worry!
beatrice is really interested in two things this week: her toes & her toys. she's really starting to actually engage in her toys, rather than just reflex grabbing them...so i caved in and got her one of those horrifying excersaucers {or however you spell it--is it even a real word?}. we got it used, which makes me feel *slightly* better about all the plastic. why do kids toys need to be made out of so much plastic? i've been pretty good about avoiding plastic {we have some hand-me-down plastic toys} toys and only buying wood or cloth, but it's tough.
i use the excersaucer {or as my friend calls it "the office"} when i need to do something i don't want to do while i'm wearing bea, like taking hot muffins out of the oven {that post is coming soon, i swear}...and for the most part, she enjoys her time in it. she's in for about five-fifteen minutes at the most, then she's ready to move on.
so, i'm not choosing this battle, plastic "office" it is....until she's over it and ready for the next toy...
she's wearing:
photos 1, 2
{hand-me-downs}
photos 3, 4
{cute onesie customized by our little friend josephine "jo-jo"}
beatrice is growing more and more everyday. i swear sometimes i pick her up and feel like she's grown since the last time i picked her up...like five minutes ago! she's definitely found her voice and is using it and she loves to laugh. thank goodness, with me & patty as her mamas! she loves meeting new people and has been going to her playgroups and yoga...
she also had a first this week: her first cold. it's so heartbreaking to hear her little sniffles and coughs. i feel so helpless and wish i could do something. although she rarely cries, she's been waking up at night crying and a little extra fussy. poor baby. i'm doing everything i can to boost my immunity so that i don't get sick and keep us both feeling miserable. but i know, like all things, this too shall pass, and she'll be back to herself in no time!
they really do grow so fast...just today i cleaned out the first batch of clothes that beatrice grew out of...so for that reason it seems so silly to buy a lot of new clothes! yes, i know i confessed to the occasional gilt group or zulily purchase, but that's not the norm. most of beatrice's clothes have been hand-me-downs or have come from re-sale shops like grow kid grow in our neighborhood. until now, i haven't had anything to sell them, but now i do! you can bring your clothes in to sell and you either get a credit or cash, i'm taking the credit every time if beatrice is outgrowing clothes every three months!
she's such a wonderful baby, so calm and such a sweet disposition. she is really actively grabbing & playing with toys {read: putting in mouth}...i've found some used toys for her, but with toys it's a bit tougher. they are not as easy to find...
she had so many activities last week: we went to a play group at the los angeles gay & lesbian center for the first time. it was really great to meet & connect with other lgbt parents! there were quite a few people there, it was really cool. i have to admit it's tough sometimes being the only gay at some of the support groups and yoga we attend...everyone is awesome and i've made tons of great mom friends...it's just nice to connect with folks who are doing the same thing we are doing as far as the "non-traditional" family {whatever that means}...
first of all, happy friday! i'm late on this post this week...
sixteen weeks is four months...so unbelievable that beatrice has been with me for four months...we're out of her so-called 'fourth trimester,' where she nurses and sleeps all the time...it's amazing to see her take in the world and learn to grasp, smile, laugh and start to play...
i'm so excited to continue to watch her grow and get to know her personality, but i really love this stage--she's such a small little bundle that still falls asleep when nursing. what an amazing gift that i've been able to nurse her, i hope that i can keep it up for at least a year, if not longer...
i've been reading about how facebook deleted, then re-instated,then deleted, then re-instated {confused yet?} the breastfeeding support page, the leaky b@@b...it really saddens me that the natural process of a mother feeding her child can be so provoking. breastfeeding obscene? really? i'm so grateful that i've had nothing but support as a breastfeeding mom. there's really nothing more amazing that a mom can give her child...
fifteen weeks: sweet bea is getting bigger everyday...she loves to look around and is so curious about the world around her. her giggle is absolutely infectious...
she spent time with grandmas & grandpa, uncle larry and lots of friends last week and she sure got spoiled. she loves being around people and seems like a pretty social little lady.
i love being her mama & i miss her when she's sleeping...i'm still concocting lots of plans to stay home longer with her...who knew she would steal my heart?
what are you up to this weekend? if you are in los angeles, please consider donating toys to children's hospital los angeles. they have run out of toys! it breaks my heart to think of kids in the hospital at all, let alone on christmas, so please consider brightening one child's life this season...since they only accept new toys, i try to purchase eco-friendly wooden toys, that are safe and non-toxic. these kids are already so exposed to toxins, why expose them to more...
in fact, continue to spread the love for children with cancer, eschew the gift giving frenzy and for the adults in your life, consider a donation to a favorite charity. one of my favorites is the pablove foundation, fighting childhood cancer with love. the foundation was started by our friends, jeff & jo ann, who lost their sweet boy, pablo to cancer. they have turned their struggle into an amazing foundation that helps other kids...truly an inspiration.
lucky thirteen weeks old...beatrice is really much more alert to the world and enjoying every minute of it. smiles, smiles and laughter. she's also graduated to facing out in her moby wrap. she can hold her head up very well and loves looking at the world go by...she's still a great sleeper at night, although lately she's been waking a bit more for feedings...but i can't complain...
she also took her first plane trip last week...it was a short flight, just one hour home to oakland, but she did great! she nursed on take off and landing and didn't fuss at all. i'm so glad i bought an extra seat for her, it's so much safer...i never understood just holding a baby on a flight. both my parents are in the airline business, though, and they always said it was better to have a baby secure in their own seat if {god forbid} anything happened. patty & i were flying home once and the plane had so much turbulence, the wings were at a ninety degree angle to the ground! i can't imagine having to put beatrice under the seat in front of me in that situation...
so if you're traveling this upcoming holiday season with baby, spring for the seat & bring her carseat, hopefully you won't need it, but it's worth it!
so i was off to such a good start posting every day, then i had to go away and it all went down the tubes. it's been quite a week, i went home to a funeral, celebrated my aunt's birthday, visited with family, showed off bea to my parents' friends {at their urging, of course}, mourned a lost dog, celebrated the safe return of said dog, found out another favorite dog has heart disease, talked to the vet after one of our long-time client dogs got out of surgery, and did more work on a project that will hopefully allow me to spend more time at home with the baby...phew...
the passing of my friend's brother at the much too early age of 36 really put things in perspective. the funeral was a wonderful celebration of his short & full life...the church was full of friends and family, it was quite a showing. since this was a friend from childhood, there were many faces from the past at the funeral that i hadn't seen in ages. of course it was great to see them, but too bad such unfortunate circumstances brought us together. i brought baby bea and when i hugged my friend at the service, she said, "i'm so glad you brought her, it reminds me of the cycle of life and that life continues on..."
i'm so grateful for all the friends, family, dogs and love in my life.
have a wonderful weekend! i'm going to put together posts for next week, do lots of laundry, go to the farmer's market, spend time with friends, family & dogs, and of course nurse the baby...
i cannot believe she's eleven weeks old already. so cliche, i know, but time flies...
this is a really fun time, she's still very cuddly, but really starting to wake up to the world. she really loves to look around and see what's going on around her. she loves mirrors and mobiles...she's even starting to grab for toys and smile a lot more. she's still a pretty serious baby, though! everyday it seems like there are huge milestones. she still doesn't want to take the bottle, so i've had to stick pretty close to her...i'm trying to concoct some plans so i can stay home longer with her. production hours don't really work too well nursing a new baby. so fingers crossed...
i'm posting my birth story on music monday because my music playlist really helped me through the birth. when i was about three months pregnant, i started going to yoga at golden bridge yoga in hollywood. the classes there are kundalini yoga, and the prenatal yoga classes and meditations are based on gurmukh'sbook, bountiful, beautiful, blissful. since i really enjoyed the classes and meditations, i asked one of the yoga teachers for a doula recommendation. my yoga teacher also helped me put together a labor and birth playlist. this song was on that playlist.
long time sun is a blessing sung at the end of every kundalini yoga class. you sing once for yourself, once for those in need, and the third time for your baby.
so i feel like my birth story starts there, when i began yoga at golden bridge. i loved my classes there so much, i decided to take the birth class they offered. so about three months before the baby was due, patty & i took a birth class at golden bridge yoga from my favorite teacher, akal {she is also a nurse at cedars sinai, where i was giving birth, so it really made me feel good about my hospital birth}. i'm so glad we took the class together, the yoga teacher taught us a lot about some exercises we could do during labor; breathing to help through the contractions; the benefits of avoiding interventions such as pitocin and epidurals; and how a labor doula could really support our decisions to have as natural a birth as possible in the hospital.
about two months before beatrice's arrival, i made our first appointment with carmen, our doula. carmen was great, she came over three times before the birth. the first time was to discuss our birthing preferences...we really wanted to have a natural birth and she helped us come up with those guidelines for the doctor and nurses at the hospital. the second visit she showed us some labor exercises to do. and the third visit was my favorite--the massage. she's a certified massage therapist, which proved to be so amazing during the birth.
my due date was september 10, and that on that early friday morning, about 1am, i started having contractions. i called carmen at about 4am, and she told me to try to sleep in between them, which i did. i had an appointment with my doctor, dr paula mc allister, at 9am, so i went to that with patty. once at the doctor's office, they determined i was 3 centimeters dilated, and they put the baby on the monitor--then my contractions really amped up. the doctor suggested we check in to the hospital! after an hour or so at the doctor's office, and a phone call with carmen, we decided to go home. i really wanted to labor at home & i knew this was early labor {and it retrospect, i'm really glad i went home!} and i didn't want to get to the hospital too early and chance them "rushing" my labor. so i got home friday at about noon. that evening, the contractions really revved up so we called carmen & she came over. she was amazing, really helpful getting me through the contractions...she massaged me non-stop. her hands are magic...
and by the way, a week before i went into labor, patty broke her foot going down our stairs! and it was her right foot, so she couldn't drive us to the hospital...so carmen was such a blessing! she was helping us so much, doing things that patty couldn't do, and she has a van, so she set it up so she could drive us to the hospital.
carmen stayed over friday night massaging me & generally helping out, but the contractions subsided a bit on saturday morning {september 11}, so we decided that carmen should go home & get ready and come back later in the day. saturday i went for a walk, ate lunch, did laundry...tried to get ready as much as i could.
saturday night the contractions really revved up again, so carmen came over...and we did it all over again, contractions, breathing, massage...at about 3am sunday morning {september 12} we decided it was time to make the trip to the hospital, so we called the doctor and loaded up in carmen's van. i was contracting pretty intensely at this point, so the car ride was a bit torturous...thank god it was 3am and there was no traffic on the streets of la!
once checked into the hospital, i was 5 centimeters dilated...we thought baby would be coming soon! we were lucky to have a wonderful nurse and got a room with a tub. i promptly got myself in the tub to relieve the intensity of the contractions...well i guess i relieved them too much...they started to subside by about noon on sunday. it was really weird...the doctor came in and said "you look too comfortable!" so i took lots of walks around the hospital and really tried to intensify the contractions. the doctor came back sunday afternoon and we decided that she should break my water...we hoped that would speed things along. so around 4pm, she broke my water and the contractions really intensified!
in my birth preferences, i indicated that the nurses should not offer me pain meds, and i told patty and carmen, if i ask for them, that they should let me ask three times to really make sure i wanted or needed them. i wanted to avoid interventions such as pitocin or an epidural that might lead me down the road to have a c-section. if i couldn't birth at home, i wanted to stay as natural as possible in the hospital. so, i went for about 3-4 hours with incredibly intense contractions and was really tired. at this point, i'd been in labor since early friday morning {thursday night really!} and hadn't really eaten much since saturday...i was getting worn down.
i asked for an epidural. carmen talked me through it and i went a bit longer. i asked a second time...she said, "let's see how far dilated you are, if you are close, you can get through it!" i figured, if i'm already at 8 or 9, no problem, so i agreed, and a nurse came in to check me. i was still 5 centimeters!!! i was stuck at 5 centimeters since i checked into the hospital! at this point, it was about midnight on sunday and i was ready to quit! the baby could just stay inside!! so i asked--well demanded really--for the third time "GET ME AN EPIDURAL!!!!!"
so the anesthesiologist was dispatched post haste and i had my epidural. at that point, i was able to get some much needed sleep. at some point the nurse shift change had happened and another amazing nurse came on...she asked me if i wanted an italian ice sorbet. it was the best thing i had ever tasted in my life.
so about 3am on monday {september 13}, they checked me and i was dilated to 10 centimeters! the epidural did its job and i was able to relax and fully dilate...one more complication, however, i had developed a fever while on the epidural {pretty common i hear}, but that meant that they had to put me on antibiotics...not ideal. but the main disappointment for me was that because there was a chance of infection, the nurse informed me that when the baby came, she would not be able to go immediately to my breast, the pediatrics team would have to evaluate her first, then she could be placed skin to skin. but in the meantime...
the baby was not falling...so the nurse told me to hold on before i should push, she had called dr mc allister and she wanted to wait for her to drop a bit more. well, i wasn't really having it. i asked the nurse to set up the bed for me to squat so i could start pushing...i figured if i was in a squat, i would let gravity work in my favor and the baby would drop. i did this for a while {about 2 hours, but i really lost track of time!}, and the doctor arrived around 5am. she did a check and informed me that not only was the baby stuck on my pelvic bone, but she was "sunny side up." so she thought that i should lay on my back and push, allowing the baby to fall towards my back and hopefully get "unstuck."
after some more unsuccessful pushing, the dr mc allister said that she wanted to try suction to help guide the baby down. at this point, i was so exhausted and i knew that it would be the "last ditch effort" before they would resort to a c-section, so i agreed. well, it worked, thank god...and after another couple hours of warrior-woman pushing little bea came into the world!
baby beatrice rinn schemel was born on monday, september 13 {my birthday} at 7:06am...the best birthday present ever...
although she was whisked away, she was only gone for about two minutes, and they brought her right back to me to place her on my chest skin to skin. she started nursing almost immediately! that long labor must have worked up her appetite...
i cannot say enough wonderful things about my partner, my doula, my doctor and the amazing team at cedars. it was long and not exactly as i would have imagined it, but it was indeed the perfect birth.
i can't believe it's been ten weeks since baby beatrice arrived. i swore i would blog everyday...but that proved a bit difficult one handed while nursing! but here's an attempt to catch up.
happy thanksgiving...there is so much to be grateful for!
one week
two weeks
three weeks
four weeks
five weeks
six weeks
seven weeks
eight weeks
nine weeks
next time, i'll let you know what she's wearing...
i'm not a mom yet, but i can't imagine the incredible love, courage and bravery of this mom, lynn of satsuma press. her sweet boy, liam, has a neuromuscular disorder called spinal muscular atrophy type 2 and they are raising money to remodel the bathroom to accomodate liam's wheelchair.
another example of putting things into perspective and being grateful for every moment of every day.
it's so easy to get caught up in the blogs and go into a "compare & despair" mode...my wedding wasn't as blank, i don't have as much money as blank and i want blank, if i only had blank, things would be better...blah, blah, blah...{thanks, esb for reminding us we all have what we need.}
this weekend, i was reminded that i really truly have everything i need. i was literally jolted into a change of perspective. as we were walking to a 4th of july barbeque, we walked past dangerbird records and saw the painting on the side of the building dedicated to pablo castelez, a sweet six-year old boy, who days earlier had lost his battle with cancer. i started sobbing...this sweet, innocent little boy had fought so courageously with a terminal disease and i'm worrying about whether or not i should buy this or that...what a way to put things into perspective. i have a rich, beautiful and full life and i'm grateful for each moment of the day.
i'd been following pablo's dad's blog about pablo for a few months. {pablo's dad, jeff, is an old work acquaintance of patty's, and although i've never met pablo or his dad, i felt a very close connection to them.} i've been away from the blogs lately {including pablo's} so i hadn't read that pablo had passed. last night i spent a while reviewing the posts that jeff had written about his passing.
i truly believe that *everything* happens for a reason. and that i'm not necessarily privy to what that reason is...the universe is a much bigger force than i am. i did however, find it very difficult to hold on to this belief after i found out that pablo had died. why do children have to suffer? {yes, the quintessential spiritual conundrum...}
his dad's posts, although incredibly sad, were so inspirational and positive...he and his family truly were grateful for the time they had with pablo and accepting of the greater force of the universe. they have established a foundation to help other young children with cancer, called pablove foundation. through their grief, comes strength, love and compassion for others. from pablo, i can learn to remember find joy every minute of every single day. is that the reason for pablo's passing? i don't know and i'm not going to try to figure it out. but rather i'm going to bask in the glow of pablo and pass along the light and love.
rip pablo thrailkill castelaz june 21, 2003- june 27, 2009
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